Recently, I had the pleasure of recording A Woman's Playground, episode 4, where I prompted a discussion between myself and podcast mates about Simone, a Married to Medicine cast member, and her husband having a female best friend and how her husband's best female friend interferes with their relationship. But instead of delving further into this scenario, I wanted to add a few tidbits to the conversation that was recorded on this episode.
Culturally Developed Relationships
The cure to insecurity besides self-actualization (getting to know and realizing self) and self-love (putting such knowledge into practice) is making sure that your relationship with your mate/husband is culturally developed. My other podcast mates agreed that insecurity is a major reason as to why a man or woman cannot feel comfortable with their mate having a best friend of the opposite sex. I, however, believe that it isn't insecurity; I think it's that gut feeling that you get when you know that the best friend relates better to your mate than you do. In other words, the embrace of the relationship, the voluntary embrace of relating to one another as between two lovers, is not natural. And therefore, the relationship shared with your mate just doesn't naturally flows. And since it doesn't naturally flow, the compatibility is low, reflecting that you and your mate are not a great match. Does that makes sense? It's not that your mate's best friend is intentionally tearing the relationship a part (although this happens), but your mate and his relationship with his best friend's shows you everything your relationship with your mate is not.
From day one, when two persons meet and begin to relate to one another, they begin to develop a culture for their relationship. That is, how they communicate with one another, designate the nature and purpose of their relationship, design dating patterns (date night, special occasions, birthdays), decide how to celebrate holidays and observe religious holidays, and how (if at all) we relate to each others' friends and families. If one treats the aforementioned as topics and as foci that deserve attention, then two persons can begin to develop a culture in their relationship. In focusing on these things, two persons can develop expectations in their relationship. For example, if it was typical that Cecil, Simone's husband, ventures off with his friends in the event they both experience a misunderstanding, then Cecil leaving should not have been a problem. Was it a problem because Cecil spent a lot of time with his best friend or that his best friend is a woman or that this relationship developed during the course of Simone-Cecil's relationship?
Personally, I absolutely hate to stick around for a heated argument to fester. That's when the cops get called. No man or woman should feel compelled to stay in the home with an upset lover. Going to the next room is still too close for comfort. There's been plenty of times when I chose to walk away and hang out with friends to decompress. Reconvening at a later time for a healthy discussion is reasonable. I don't know about y'all, but I intend to maintain my fitness to practice law. Perhaps there's a professional license, certification, or job that you fought hard for that you're trying to keep also. Staying in an unhealthy situation is certainly an occupational hazard. There's no doubt about it.
On the show, Simone threatened divorce in the event Cecil left to go on a golfing trip. This seems ridiculous to me. If someone threatened divorce or breakup on the occasion that I physically leave an unhealthy environment, I'd still leave. Because what's worst? You have to pick the lesser of two evils and put your safety, your sanity, and your career over your mate's temporary feelings. Nothing about this ultimatum resembled emotional intelligence. That is my major concern here.
Further, when we fully develop a culture with our mate, we can find peace in those expectations. That is, if the culture are based on certain principles, like peace, love, respect, loyalty, and integrity, we can almost predict our mate's future behavior and accept it without becoming undone because the principles and the behavior become a part of the relationship's culture. There's your security! Know your mate! So long as Cecil had not intention on committing infidelity with the woman and did not commit infidelity, the bigger picture would remain as maintaining a healthy marriage. Some of us have removed infidelity as a worst fear and will stick around anyway, having defined a new "tipping point" that is grounds for divorce. Everyone's different. Beyonce is still sticking with Jay-Z amid the public embarrassment and humiliation, and wouldn't you? If you had your reasons?
Personally, I wish to grow in my relationship with my person. Growing together is the commitment I desire to make with my mate and loyalty above anyone else. Such a statement leaves a gray area. I bet you're wondering if cheating is a breach of loyalty and if its reconcilable in my book. But that's not important here. What's important is that your commitment is planting these seeds, watering them, and ensuring their sunlight ... and doing all of these things with me ... if in a marriage ... Then for a lifetime ... And please expect that on a hot summer's night, when the room is full of fright, I'm walking out on you, and I'll see you tomorrow. So relax; we're on a journey.
See #podcast link to hear more: https://m.soundcloud.com/a_womans_playground/awp-ep-4-back-on-the-playground